Why do we feel the urge to cheat? Considering its essence, how to find truly fulfilling relationships

“Even though we are dating, my heart feels unfulfilled for some reason.” “I find myself seeking fleeting excitement by having light conversations with strangers on social media.” Have you ever felt a vague sense of guilt or confusion about these feelings? The emotions faced by men who want to cheat are not merely selfish desires; they may be important signs of introspection.

Many of the resources available when searching for the keyword “want to cheat” tend to focus on “how to avoid getting caught” or “meeting techniques.” This only serves to temporarily satisfy superficial desires and cannot fill the fundamental “void in the relationship.” Ultimately, it may even lead to deeper loneliness or self-loathing.

This article, incorporating insights from relationship psychology experts, will unravel the true emotions and desires (such as the need for approval, lack of freshness, and insufficient deep empathy) that lurk behind the impulse to “want to cheat.” Using these feelings as a starting point, we propose a healthy and constructive pathway to find someone who respects each other's values and can face each other seriously. This is a guide to think about the first step toward sustainable happiness, not just temporary escapism.

Table of Contents

• The feeling of wanting to cheat is not just selfishness: Six psychological factors behind it
• Before searching for “ways to avoid getting caught”: The real risks and costs of cheating
• Three steps to transform impulses into constructive “relationship reassessment”
• A new approach to meeting partners for serious relationships
• Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
• Summary: From impulse to a constructive step
• Shall we start a new form of meeting?

The feeling of wanting to cheat is not just selfishness: Six psychological factors behind it

When feeling the desire to cheat, it’s easy to blame oneself as “a bad person” or “selfish.” However, from a psychological perspective, this impulse is often not simply “evil” but rather a “SOS sign” from yourself and your current relationship. Understanding this is the first step to addressing the essence of the problem. Here, let’s take a detailed look at the six psychological factors behind it.

“Nutritional deficiency” in the relationship: Stagnation and lack of a sense of growth

In long-term relationships, “comfortable stability” can gradually turn into “a mundane existence without stimulation.” The same topics, the same way of spending holidays, the same conversation patterns create this stagnation that leads to a “nutritional deficiency” in the relationship.

Specifically, conversations may remain at superficial topics or daily reports, reducing opportunities to deeply discuss each other's thoughts and visions for the future. Moreover, what once felt “fun to be together” can transform into “just a habit,” leading to a lack of feeling that you are “achieving something together” or “growing together” with your partner.

This nutritional deficiency within the relationship creates a vague desire in your heart for “something different.” The “deep compatibility” that Yoitoki values is not just about shared hobbies, but also about whether you can share such “a will to grow together” and “curiosity to explore each other's inner selves.”

The sign of the need for approval: Wanting to be recognized as “someone special”

We all have a desire to be recognized and loved as “one-of-a-kind” by someone important to us. If this need for approval is not sufficiently met in the current partnership, the thought “maybe I could be seen as special by someone else” may unconsciously start to arise.

For instance, when your partner takes your success at work or new challenges for granted and does not deeply acknowledge them. Or when your delicate feelings and efforts are not properly “articulated” and understood. In such moments, receiving “likes” on social media or being told “you’re an interesting person” during light conversations can feel strongly pleasant, even if only temporarily.

However, the essence of this need for approval is not about seeking “someone new,” but rather a fundamental human desire to “be deeply understood and have one's very existence affirmed.” A healthy relationship can mutually satisfy this need.

Longing for the unknown and self-exploration: Discovering “another side of myself” through new relationships

Meeting new people brings excitement as if opening a door to an unknown world. This is not merely because the other person is “new,” but because there is a sense that through engaging with that person, another aspect of yourself that was dormant awakens.

When the current relationship becomes long and static, the “self” seen by the partner, as well as the “role” played by oneself, becomes fixed. Labels such as “dependable person” or “calm person” are attached, making it difficult to express parts of oneself that are outside of those frameworks. On the other hand, new encounters begin from a blank slate. Here, you may be able to unleash the adventurous spirit, humor, or delicate aspects that you had sealed off in the current relationship.

This impulse can be seen as a manifestation of self-exploration, wanting to express and be recognized for a more diverse self, rather than simply wanting to escape from the current relationship. Truly mature relationships are those in which both parties can comfortably expose and accept such diverse aspects.

As a means of stress relief or escaping reality

Work pressure, household challenges, anxiety about the future... There are many stressors in daily life. In a healthy relationship, a partner can sometimes be a source of stress but also the most important “sanctuary.”

However, if there are challenges within the relationship itself (such as nutritional deficiency or unmet needs for approval), it becomes difficult to show genuine weakness or confide in a partner. Consequently, the mind begins to seek out another “escape.” One form of this is escaping reality through “cheating.”

The thrill of a new relationship and the excitement of sharing secrets can be a powerful way to temporarily divert attention from daily pressures. However, this is like a drug. The effects are temporary, and afterward, there is always a backlash (guilt, stress from lies). The underlying issues such as “stressors” or “communication breakdowns in the relationship” remain unaddressed.

Decline in self-esteem and its compensation

When lacking self-confidence, we tend to depend on external evaluations. The mere state of “having a girlfriend/boyfriend” can serve as a proof of self-worth. However, if one feels alienation or dissatisfaction within that relationship, anxiety can build up, leading to thoughts like “I may not have any value.”

In such cases, the psychological mechanism to temporarily compensate for the hurt self-esteem by confirming the fact (or even the illusion) that “others are also seeking me” kicks in. You seek evidence that “I am still attractive” or “I am worthy of being chosen” from others.

To break free from this loop, it is essential to revisit your core self-worth that does not depend on relationships. Meeting a partner who can accept and encourage such a self is the true solution.

Anxieties rooted in attachment styles

Finally, a deeper psychological factor that may be at play is “attachment style.” This refers to patterns in interpersonal relationships formed by early relationships with caregivers.

For example, individuals with “anxious attachment” tendencies may feel strong anxiety in their relationship with their partner and constantly seek confirmation of their partner's affection. If they perceive even slight distance or coldness, they may be driven by the fear of being abandoned, leading them to unconsciously engage in behaviors to attract the attention of other potential partners. This may manifest as an impulse to cheat.

Becoming aware of and understanding such deep-seated psychological factors encourages deeper dialogue with oneself. The “emotional equality” that Yoitoki aims for is based on the assurance that you can openly discuss even your weaknesses and anxieties without hiding them, and your partner will sincerely accept them.

Before searching for “ways to avoid getting caught”: The real risks and costs of cheating

When the feeling of wanting to cheat arises, much of the information focuses on the technical aspects of “how to avoid getting caught.” However, before that, we need to confront the fundamental risks of “what costs the act of cheating imposes on oneself and the partner.” Here, let’s consider the long-term impacts on “quality of life” beyond short-term “risk management.”

The irreparable cost of trust breakdown

The most serious damage caused by cheating is losing the foundation of the relationship, “trust,” which is extremely difficult to repair once broken.

First and foremost, this applies to the trust between partners. Even if the cheating does not get discovered and the relationship continues, the psychological burden of continuing to lie is immeasurable. Additionally, what is often overlooked is the “loss of self-trust.” By breaking promises made to oneself and engaging in acts that compromise integrity, the self-image of “I am a person who can keep promises” becomes shaken. This can lead to internal damage that casts a shadow on all subsequent human relationships.

The “emotional equality” that Yoitoki advocates is built on the foundation of being able to speak openly and honestly without fear of such concealment or risks. Transparency without lies or deception nurtures deep trust and a sense of security.

Emotional wear and tear: Guilt, stress from lies, and exhaustion from living a double life

Cheating demands a huge emotional cost from the individual who engages in it.

• Struggling with guilt: Even if there is temporary pleasure, guilt always accompanies it. This inner conflict significantly drains mental energy.
• Stress from lying: Everyday casual questions like “Where did you go?” or “Who were you talking to on the phone?” become constant sources of tension. The stress of living in a world where every piece of evidence—phone logs, social media history, receipts—can become “evidence” cannot be underestimated.
• Psychological division from living a double life: Continuously acting as two different personas creates “cognitive dissonance,” leading to significant stress and fatigue. You may even lose track of which “self” is the real one.

This kind of emotional wear and tear manifests as decreased work performance, loss of interest in hobbies, and an overall decrease in quality of life, ultimately resulting in self-inflicted suffering.

The “cycle” that does not lead to fundamental solutions

The most important point is that cheating does not resolve the underlying issues, but rather postpones and exacerbates them.

The “nutritional deficiency” and “unmet approval needs” within the relationship mentioned in the first section may be temporarily numbed by the external stimulation of cheating. However, it is like taking painkillers. Once the medication wears off, the same (or even stronger) desires will resurface.

When caught in the negative loop of “dissatisfaction → escape → temporary pleasure → guilt → further dissatisfaction,” it becomes increasingly difficult to break free. You may find yourself further away from the “deeply fulfilling relationship” you truly seek.

To break this vicious cycle, an enthusiastic approach to “building relationships” itself, rather than seeking temporary stimulation, is necessary. This leads to the constructive step of “relationship reassessment” discussed in the next section.

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Three steps to transform impulses into constructive “relationship reassessment”

Rather than simply suppressing the feeling of “wanting to cheat,” if you can reframe it as a “valuable signal” for improving your relationship and yourself, the next step is concrete action. Here are three practical steps to elevate that impulse into constructive “relationship reassessment.”

Step 1: Self-reflection – Articulating your emotions and true needs

The first thing to do is to stop seeking answers externally and take time to face yourself. This involves transforming negative feelings such as “What is unsatisfactory?” into positive needs like “What do I truly seek?”

Specific methods:

1. Inventory of emotions: Prepare a notebook and write down your current feelings of confusion, dissatisfaction, or loneliness as they are, without criticism. Instead of blaming others like “My partner does not do this,” express it using “I messages” such as “I feel lonely (because we cannot have deep conversations together).”
2. Extract essential needs: Explore the fundamental desires behind the emotions you’ve written down. For example, “I feel lonely” → “I want to be deeply understood and empathized with.” “I want excitement” → “I want a relationship where we share new experiences and grow together.”
3. Defining the ideal relationship: Imagine what the “ideal relationship” that fulfills those needs would look like. Consider aspects like how you spend weekends, how you support each other in difficult times, and the depth of discussions about the future.

This self-reflection is the first step towards the “Clarity of Intent” that Yoitoki emphasizes. Clarifying what you seek and what you can offer is essential for improving your current relationship and searching for new connections.

Step 2: Constructive approach to the current relationship (as an option)

If, based on the results of self-reflection, you feel that there is room for improvement and willingness in your current relationship, it is also important to take on the challenge of open dialogue with your partner.

Points for constructive dialogue:

• Communicate as your own experience, not as blame: Instead of saying “You don’t do this,” say “I would be happy if our conversations could become deeper…” focusing on your feelings and hopes.
• Start with small changes: Rather than trying to change the entire relationship at once, propose specific, actionable small steps like “How about we go see a movie together this weekend?” or “This book looks interesting, read it and tell me your thoughts.”
• Seek professional help: If you feel it’s difficult to do it alone, consider couple counseling. Discussing your genuine feelings in a safe space facilitated by a neutral professional is a powerful way to repair and deepen your relationship.

This step embodies the “mutual effort” in relationships. Instead of trying to change the other person, it requires both to cooperate and nurture the relationship in a better direction together.

Step 3: If seeking new encounters, clarify your intent

After self-reflection, if continuing the current relationship seems difficult, or if you are already single, it is natural to seek new encounters. What is important here is to transform the vague and passive motivation of “wanting to cheat” into a constructive and clear intention of “wanting to find a partner for a serious relationship.”

To achieve this:

• Select the right environment: Choose a platform where people gather with the intention of “building serious relationships” from the outset, rather than a setting based on fleeting encounters.
• Express your essence in your profile: Not only your appearance or title but sincerely articulate the “values you cherish” and the “vision of the relationship you seek” that you discovered in Step 1.
• Quality of dialogue in the early stages: Instead of asking “Where do you usually drink?” start conversations that touch on the essence of the other person, such as “When do you feel happy?” or “What do you value most in life?”

This “clarification of intent” is at the core of Yoitoki's philosophy. An environment where both parties can confirm their sincere intentions towards their relationship from the start alleviates the stress of secrets and creates a foundation to purely explore the “emotional connection” with each other.

A new approach to meeting partners for serious relationships

Once you have completed self-reflection and solidified your intention to take a new step, it is time to update your “approach to meeting” to make that desire a reality. This involves shifting from the traditional method of sifting through numerous profiles and engaging in superficial conversations to focusing on the “quality” and “depth” that nurture essential connections.

Reasons to choose “quality” over “quantity” in meeting: The pursuit of deep resonance

In typical matching apps, the process often starts with a light commitment of “Let’s meet first,” leading to conversations and dates with many people to explore compatibility. This can be seen as an approach based on “quantity.”

On the other hand, the “quality” approach recommended by Yoitoki focuses on maximizing the potential for deep resonance in values and lifestyles before meeting. This is because the sustainability of the relationship and deep satisfaction are greatly supported by “essential compatibility” that goes beyond appearance or shared hobbies.

• Fundamental values: Core beliefs about money, work, family, and how to use time.
• Emotional language compatibility: How to express stress and empathize with the partner’s sadness.
• Vision for the relationship: What kind of presence you want to have in your partnership.

Instead of dispersing limited time and energy on encounters that are likely to be fundamentally incompatible, starting meaningful dialogues with those who resonate on a deeper level from the outset is a shortcut to efficient yet essential encounters for busy modern men.

The courage to discuss the “vision for the relationship” from the early stages

Even if your profile states “I am looking for a serious relationship,” it can be challenging to touch on the core in actual conversations. Often, fears arise that “it might seem too heavy” or “I might scare the other person.”

However, aligning each other's understanding of the “direction” of the relationship early on is an act of respecting each other's valuable time and emotions. This doesn’t mean deciding on “whether to get married” in the first message.

For example, you could naturally discuss the following:

• “What do you value most in a partnership?”
• “What kind of support do you think an ideal relationship should provide for each other?”
• “Do you have thoughts about the lifestyle you want to prioritize in the future (balance between work and private life, place of residence, etc.)?”

The Yoitoki community consists of people who positively perceive such “clarity” and seek sincere dialogue. That’s why you can start these essential conversations without awkwardness or hesitation.

The importance of a “space” where you can speak openly

To have candid discussions, a prerequisite of “safety” is essential. In environments with high anonymity, where it is unclear who is participating and with what intentions, people tend to become defensive and hesitate to show their true selves.

To build serious relationships, it is very effective to select a “space” with elements such as:

• Confirmation of intentions: All participants gather with the common premise of “seeking serious relationships.”
• Safety: There is a system in place that verifies profiles to some extent and excludes malicious users.
• A mechanism for deep matching: An algorithm that suggests partners based on “essential needs” and “values” discovered in Step 1, not just superficial data.

By ensuring such an environment, you no longer have to act in a way to “be liked” and can confidently present your “true self” and “the self you wish to walk a future with.” Yoitoki's Kokoromusubi (心結び) AI fulfills this role. It evaluates potential compatibility based not just on shared hobbies, but on “emotional articulation” and “fundamental values,” providing the strongest foundation for “mutual effort” to bear fruit.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Q1: Does suppressing the feeling of “wanting to cheat” require restraint or endurance?

A: It requires “understanding and redirection,” not mere endurance. Focus on the essential desires that the feeling reveals about yourself (e.g., wanting to be more deeply understood, wanting to grow together) and explore healthy ways to fulfill them (improving the current relationship or building an honest relationship through new encounters), which will lead to long-term satisfaction. Yoitoki allows you to confirm each other's sincere intentions regarding your relationships from the outset, freeing you from the stress of secrets.

Q2: Even though I am seeking serious encounters, I can hardly find a good partner.

A: Many common matching apps tend to start with a light commitment of “Let’s meet first.” Yoitoki is designed specifically for “people who have the intention to build serious relationships” to meet. From the profile creation stage, you can delve deeply into your values and the relationship you seek, reducing the fruitless exchanges with partners who have incompatible intentions from the start.

Q3: I worry that discussing serious topics from the beginning might scare the other person away.

A: Indeed, it may feel unnatural to lay everything out without considering the context. However, confirming mutual recognition about the “direction” of the relationship early on is a way to respect each other's time and emotions. The Yoitoki community gathers those who positively perceive such “clarity.” The AI matching also evaluates compatibility based on these essential aspects.

Q4: I am busy with work and cannot devote enough time to meeting new people.

A: The “efficiency” of encounters lies not merely in meeting many people but in whether you can start meaningful communication with those who have a high potential for compatibility. By suggesting candidates based on deep compatibility, Yoitoki allows you to focus on essential conversations even within limited time. This is a form of “mutual effort” that emphasizes quality over quantity.

Q5: I have past experiences of cheating and lack self-confidence.

A: Past actions do not define your entire self. Rather, you can view that experience as an opportunity to deeply contemplate “what kind of relationships I truly desire.” The “emotional equality” that Yoitoki aims for is a partnership that focuses on building a future together rather than being bound by past failures. By deepening your self-understanding, you are indeed ready to build a serious relationship.

Summary: From impulse to a constructive step

The feeling of “wanting to cheat,” which might be perceived negtively, can become an important introspective material to understand your “true desire for relationships” when explored deeply. It merely manifests in various forms such as nutritional deficiencies in relationships, the desire to be recognized, and the wish to grow together.

Instead of choosing temporary escapism or paths fraught with risks, it is possible to elevate those feelings into constructive actions that reflect your values and future vision. The confusion felt by men wanting to cheat may be the voice of the heart seeking deeper, more sincere connections.

The goal should be a partnership where both parties welcome each other's true feelings and growth, forming connections that resonate not just on the surface but deeply within the heart. A relationship filled with discoveries and empathy, where there is no need to hide one’s true self, is what you long for. The “fulfilling relationship” you vaguely yearn for is surely within reach.

Shall we start a new form of meeting?

If you are tired of ambiguous relationships, and seek connections built on mutual effort and true understanding, your place is here.

💖 Join Yoitoki now and meet someone who shares your sentiments.